Lost

Lanterns floated up in endless slow waves, flooding the starlit sky with warm orange glows. The river glimmered from the resplendent lights, the few canoes gently rising and falling in the still current. Mirthful laughter and gasps of awes erupted, and chatters filled the riverside. But they were soon drowned out as a deep chuckle reverberated above my head, a ruffle on my hair. Fingers entwined on the soft grass, between the heat of our bodies, I leaned into the warmth of the person beside me. Time felt like eternity here.

***

‘Earth to Lianne?’ I blinked. The bustles of pedestrians suddenly filled my ears, the new year decoration lights slightly blinding. Theo tilted his head with a curious gaze, a hand clutching mine as the buzzing surge of people bumped our bodies in incessant bouts. Shops chimed with bells as some entered and exited doors, friendly greetings exchanged, but my stomach churned from the shrill voices. Tacky. Unlike the scene with him, the vibe here felt tacky. Theo slid his hand out from mine, and I thought of those interlaced on the soft grass, in the lantern-filled night. Warm. Safe. I almost yearned for it. My fingers twitched, but didn’t chase Theo’s hand. It wasn’t his, anyway. Nor was it anyone’s. ‘You’re spacing out a lot today,’ Theo said, and then he pulled me close to him, bringing us closer to the clear windows of a shop, away from the rush of people. I stared at our fingers that were intertwined again, his ring cool against my skin. Theo’s skin was paler, while that man’s… I pressed my lips together, tearing my eyes away. Theo was with me, and it was New Year’s. There was no reason to think of…him. An illusory fragment, I reminded myself. There were no floating lanterns, but the streets were so full of dazzling lights that the night was obscured. It seemed to celebrate Theo’s initiation to go out today, and I should relish it while the darkness of our relationship was hidden by the lights. A lidded cup suddenly was in front of my face. ‘Here, hot chocolate, your favourite.’ I looked at Theo, stunned, then looked at the shop behind us. A café. Oh. ‘Thank you.’ I smiled at him. It brought me back to our first interaction when he gave me an extra cup of hot chocolate. I was merely a stranger then, one who was almost consumed by detrimental thoughts. He’d beamed at me with such sincerity, and everything else melted away. Theo leaned against the wall, bringing his own cup to his lips. ‘Is everything okay? I don’t think you even realised I left your side.’ He grinned. ‘But I’m quick, aren’t I?’ I puffed a laugh. ‘Yeah, or I was just too preoccupied with my thoughts. Sorry, I didn’t expect this many people to be out.’ The dark, desolated room of my flat flashed in my mind. I held the cup in both hands, letting its warmth seep through for a while. There had been no reason for me to go out during the New Year’s. Not for a long time, not even after meeting Theo. I drank the hot chocolate, the waterfall of sweetness melting the tautness of my throat. I felt Theo’s eyes on me, but when I looked, his attention was somewhere else. A musical logo blinked on a high-rise building across us. His eyes glistened from the reflection, edges brimming with gold. Ah. ‘Lianne, I’ll be right back.’ And he went with his cup. He was lost in the bustle of people in the streets as, I was certain, he headed for that building. A derisive chuckle escaped my throat. I fixed my eyes on the ground. The lights in my vision were blinding.

***

Two years after meeting Theo, his former girlfriend showed up at his house when I was nursing his fever. We’d looked at each other with a pause, until Theo tugged at my sleeve and I understood his meaning. I stood by the closed door as they talked in his room. Their voices gradually grew louder. ‘He’s just your friend?’ A scoff. ‘You ditched me for him, and for a trivial matter.’ ‘Theo…’ The girl’s voice came softly. ‘Enough. I don’t want to hear it.’ An intake of breath. ‘Why did you even come back?’ There was a moment of silence before she said, ‘That girl…’ I glanced at the door. ‘You met her that day, didn’t you? I’m impressed, I must say. I briefly saw her short nails and calloused fingertips. She must also be a string player?’ She let out a dry laugh. ‘Don’t give me that look. I don’t mean to mock you, Theo, I never will, I’m glad for you. I really am. I just hope you truly love her, after all…’ I couldn’t hear her words, but something heavy gripped my heart. ‘I’ll take my leave now, sorry for coming at a bad time. Take care of yourself and your girl.’ There were some shuffles in the room before the door clicked open. We stared at each other. Her eyes widened a fraction, and her gaze flitted towards the room. But she recovered quickly and sauntered out, face neutral, as though having said nothing. I didn’t notice it before, but a violin case was slung over her shoulders. Theo and I locked eyes. He coughed before calling out my name, a hint of hesitation in his hoarse voice. My eyes trailed to the empty glass beside his bed. ‘I’ll get you some water.’ The words came out as a whisper, and I left the room before he could say anything. The tap water trickled down into the glass. The conversation echoed in my head. Her violin. And mine.

***

I thought of the lantern night again—the chuckle, that shoulder. The sense of comfort. My chest tightened. Theo was still nowhere to be seen. The cup was tilted, squeezed. The hot liquid that trailed down my hand, through our matching ring, felt numb.